Apologies in advance for a very LONG journal.

I realized something today.

I was going across my old email account this afternoon. I came across two emails that I've kept for the last three years, since I was 16, and I don't even remember why. Why on earth would I want to keep two emails filled with such hate and hostility? The words written in them are enough to send me to tears, even after three whole years. I haven't read them since I got them.

Something happened to me back then that changed me. Until recently I used to call it the worst point of my life. But it taught me something. That sometimes people make mistakes, and everyone deserves a second chance. I became more forgiving. Giving so many people the second chance that I never got, but, at the time, I so desperately wanted.

You see, I had a friend. We didn't know each other long, but I'd already come to think of her as the sister I wish I had. I made a mistake, and I told her a lie. When I realized the mistake I made, I apologized and begged on bended knee for her forgiveness. But it was too late, and I lost her. I've long since come to terms with that, but I wasn't left without my emotional scars. Anyone who knows me knows that the whole experience gave me abandonment issues. For the longest time, I thought of myself as a horrible person.

But I digress from the reason of this very long winded journal of mine. You see, her brother was my first boyfriend. It was the first time anyone had ever shown an interest in me that way, and perhaps that clouded my judgement a little bit. But not once, ever, did I go out of line. I realize what I've done wrong, but I refuse to lay down and let people accuse me of lying about THAT. And my story was the same then. Sure, I walked around in my pyjamas at night. What else is one supposed to wear while they're sleeping over at their best friend's house? I'm not writing this to accuse anyone of anything, but if anything was out of line, it wasn't ME who was doing it. May god strike me down if I'm lying about that.

But the emails I got, which have stayed untouched since their opening in 2006, address that problem. Rather viciously, might I add. I might've lied, but never in my life have I deserved THAT amount of hostility thrown in my face. But I kept my mouth shut about it all. I put them away in a place I thought I'd never find them again, and I walked away from everything that reminded me of it. I never ate pocky again. Or cheese strings. I hate the name Seamus now. I don't even like Dr. Pepper or Doctor Who as much as I used to. I shut out anything and everything that reminded me of the whole ordeal. I STILL hate April Fool's day. Save for my mother, I never showed anyone. Not even Sonia. (I know you hate me now Sonia, but I just want to say thank you for helping me through that time.)

I can probably guess that even though the odds are slim, I'll probably get backlash for writing about this. Well, calm down. I mean no harm. No names were mentioned, I didn't go into specific details, and I'm not writing this to start a fight. Believe me, there're plenty of other things I could have done if getting even were my true plot. I'm not a dumb person.

I just wanted to get something off my chest that's been locked in the back of my brain for three years. It might've taken a while to get over this, but I'm over it. I'm thinking about all of it clearly. I might have done something wrong, and I can't even remember how much I've apologized for it. But I never, NEVER deserved those words. Even I couldn't bring myself to write something like that to my worst enemy, and that's saying something. I didn't even instigate it. I never stalked anyone, they added MY email. I didn't deserve it at all.

That's all I wanted to say. I'm not dwelling on it by saying all of this, I'm simply ridding myself of that emotional burden. And I'm not calling you out, because I'd probably be using much more explicit words if I were. This is closure. I mean, the words hurt so much that I'll probably never forget them. And if that's what you wanted, bravo, you've won.

But at least I'm thinking clearly enough to know now that I didn't deserve it.

Thanks for listening, whoever you are.

Jamie